Missing period recovery story!

Just about every day there is a new post in one of my facebook groups about someone getting their first post-hypothalamic amenorrhea period, or their positive pregnancy test. It is so inspirational and truly helps those who are still working to recover to stay the course. I wish that everyone struggling with missing periods, thinking about maybe doing something about it but perhaps too scared, afraid of “losing everything they’ve worked so hard for” could read each of these stories and see how much there really is to gain. (We did include a lot of recovery stories in our book/ebook 🙂 ) I’m going to start sharing some here, in hopes that others will be motivated to start or continue their own journey toward true health.

Gemma wrote:

“I have always been a fit and active person ever since I was young. And my weight had never really fluctuated. I went on BCP when I was about 16 years old until I was 28. I came off the pill because my partner and I wanted to try for a baby.

Before making the decision to try for a baby I had a job for about five years that had become very stressful, 10 hour days with minimal rest, and I was commuting to and from work on my bike, which came to about 9 miles a day. Weight-wise I had always been a healthy weight for my height, but from cycling everyday my BMI had gone down a couple points and it had been there ever since. I never questioned it because I was never fussed on my body shape, big or small, but looking back these were all signs that I chose to ignore. Weight loss, stress, and for the amount of activity I was doing I was not eating enough.

I don’t know for sure that this is when I lost my period because I was on BCP but after reading Nicola Rinaldi’s book I think that could have been my significant HA moment.

When I came off the pill I went to the doctors after 3 months because I wasn’t having a period. I was told that it was normal, coming off the pill can take a while for your body to adjust, come back in a year. So, a year later I went back, the doctor tried to put me back on the pill so I could have a ‘period’. I refused, I don’t know why but I knew that my lack of period was a symptom of something and I needed to find the cause.

The past 5 years have been very hard for me, both emotionally and physically, with a lot of medical poking and prodding, blood taking and a lot of mental exhaustion, confusion, anger. The doctors decided that It was just a case of unexplained infertility and the only thing that might help would be IVF.

Strangely enough my next GP appointment is next week, this was going to be my opportunity to discuss fertility treatments.

I really had lost all hope, I just wanted my period back, I struggled with my friends, those who do know about my condition try really hard to understand it but they don’t really get it, and I would be an awful person to expect them to but It is just something that unless it is happening to you it is a very difficult concept to comprehend.

I felt so alone and so lost but then one night, completely by accident i came across Nicola’s book No Period. Now What?. I read the book from cover to cover in about two days, everything in it was so true to me and I just knew that this is what I had. It was such a leap of faith, I never doubted the process for a second but I was scared of It. Scared because this conditions forces you to face your self head on and admit things to yourself that you have maybe been denying. Recovery is giving me such a feeling of freedom, freedom from exercise, freedom from anxiety which was a huge thing when I was doing too much, not eating enough or resting enough.

My husband thought I had gone temporarily crazy when I told him about this adventure I was about to embark on, stopping all the things that I loved like mountain climbing, surfing, cycling and eating 2500-3000 calories a day but he has and continues to support me, he has seen me re-emerge from myself like a flower. I didn’t know how much of a shell of myself I had become but having this condition and finding the tools that I need to rebuild myself has helped me come back to life.

I have gained 17 lbs so far, I started recovery on the 25th November 2016 and every pound is a pound that I am so proud of and so grateful for. At first, it could’ve been 6 weeks, I hardly put on any weight which made me realise just how much damage I had caused to myself. At this point I decided I was literally just going to walk to and from work and anything beyond that, that was un-necessary activity I would just have to stop. So, since January I have been parked on my bum, not even doing yoga but still walking to and from work. Then about 2 weeks ago I injured my neck, all my muscles had seized up and the pain was radiating down my shoulders and back, I literally couldn’t move for a week and I think that was the final kick start my body needed, just complete bed rest.

I in no way think I am recovered, I am still at the very beginning and I fear that this gift I have been given could be taken away from me at any moment but time will tell, regardless of the outcome I am recovering, my body is reacting to rest and nourishment and I never thought my body would ever feel strong enough or trust me enough that it felt it could try to bring another life into this world. I think my body is a miracle.

We are all incredible, we show incredible strength by facing our fears head on and not running from them but I wouldn’t be on the path to recovery if I didn’t have you all supporting me, I hope I give back to you what you give to me.”

<3

Nico

Embracing the New You

I just went to see the movie Embrace with my new friend and fellow HA warrior Kate. It was lovely meeting her in person and we spent a lot of time over dinner before the show bemoaning how our society has encouraged us toward the predicament of treating our bodies so harshly in an attempt to be healthy – and also how much more common hypothalamic amenorrhea is these days with the latest trends in “clean” eating and strength and endurance training for women.

embrace_showing

Anyway, the movie was utterly fantastic and I cannot recommend it enough. Whatever your personal situation is, I can pretty much guarantee that Embrace will speak to you. I love the idea that is becoming more and more commonplace: that we should love ourselves and others for what we accomplish and *think* instead of what we look like (and heck, let’s do our best to pass this idea on to the next generation!). I know, not really a newsflash anymore, but at the same time it’s an idea that is easy to give lipservice to without truly believing. Embrace took me even further than I was down the path of believing. Find a way to see this movie! #ihaveembraced

Along the lines of switching your outlook, a woman recently posted in a facebook support group of which I am a member (join mine here) about how she was struggling with feeling frumpy and not hot when she went into a fashionable store to try on some new clothes. The responses were amazing, insightful, and inspiring, which is why you should join too if you’re working on recovery. Who doesn’t need an army of HA warriors at their back?

Lindsay said, “I’m so sorry you’re having a rough day. I understand; I had MANY of them. The next time you go shopping and you don’t like how something looks when you try it on, try to shift your mindset from “This fabulous shirt doesn’t fit my body” to “My fabulous body doesn’t fit this shirt“. There is nothing wrong with your body; it’s the shirt that doesn’t work. Take it off, and try on a different style. Do you remember the show What Not to Wear? I like to think of that show every time I go shopping, because Stacy and Clinton could always make ANY person look fabulous, no matter how big/small/short/tall. It’s just a matter of finding clothing that really flatters you. Body love and acceptance takes time… you’re just getting started here, and the changes are fresh and new. Over time, you’ll get used to your new self, and you will grow to love it as much as you did your old self. Maybe even more. Remind yourself daily that you are a multi-dimensional person… you are not just a body. And truly, the other aspects of your being – your personality, your sense of humor, your wit, your charm – are what people are most drawn to. Don’t let any perceived ‘imperfections’ of your physical body spoil the rest of that.”

Yes, yes, YES!

<3

Self doubt

I was talking the other day with my friend Meret about how so many of us are able to be kind and compassionate to others, but not to ourselves. We see the best in our friends, acquaintances, strangers, both in terms of looks and accomplishments, but struggle to find something pleasant to say to ourselves. Or we look around at the work that others are doing and admire it, but cannot find the value in our own endeavors.

I’ve been struggling with the latter recently. Since finishing our book, and now working on getting the word out, I find myself plagued by doubts on a daily basis. I have three half-written blog posts because I get something started and then go out and find that someone else has done it better. Or I look at another website and it’s all splashy and pretty, but this one is like me – simple and straightforward. And in comparison I feel … less. Not worthy.

But at the same time, I’m NOT splashy and glittery, it’s not who I am and even when I try it just feels wrong. So I’m holding myself up to a standard of comparison that I can never attain. And so I find myself lacking motivation, lacking purpose, just lacking.

I suck at social media. I’m an introvert, I have never ever been comfortable in the limelight, I don’t brag about my accomplishments (because most of the time I don’t feel they’re particularly special), I’m never ever good enough. For me. Everyone else seems to be impressed, but I always find what’s wrong, what I could or should have done better.

I don’t know how to fix this. I have gotten past caring what other people think about how I personally look – everyone I know is way more wrapped up in their life than to give two hoots about whether I’m a size 2 or a size 10, whether my eyebrows are perfectly plucked or not (generally not LOL), whether my hair is beautifully coiffed or thrown back in a pony tail (again, almost always the latter)… and if they do notice, so what? Really, no effect on my life at all if someone notices that my hair is a little greasy because I haven’t showered since yesterday. Or the day before. Or maybe even the day before that (when I get to the point when I can’t remember the last time I showered that’s a good sign I do actually need to). So my physical appearance, I’m good. I’m done with buying into the myth that I need to live up to some beauty ideal.

But. I cannot apply that same principle and wisdom to my work. Because it matters so much more to me that people like and appreciate what I DO, because that is what defines me. I am so passionate about helping other women to likewise let go of the strictures of our society as far as appearance goes, letting go of the rules that we’re supposed to follow about what to eat and not to eat, how much to exercise, that the “epitome of health” comes in a pre-pubescent-looking package. But I am really struggling with how to share that passion because of all the doubt I feel about “not doing it right.” I am totally new to anything more than facebook and I feel lost as to the etiquette. That makes me feel really tentative and scared and like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m going to be ostracized.

I think I just have to forget about potentially being perceived as too self-promoting, and be more like I am with my appearance – just say what I feel like saying and hey, if you don’t like it, go somewhere else. But if you have any tips, I’m all ears!!

I’d also love to know if you have similar thoughts and feelings. And how do you encourage yourself to just keep pushing through?